I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
