I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I could fuck to npr.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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