That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
