My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She made me pour olive oil on her.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
