she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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