Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
