____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
