Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
