btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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