There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
