I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
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