there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
