Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
