I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize