Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
