Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
