Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
