we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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