it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize