I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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