We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
This baby is an asshole
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
