Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
