Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
