Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
