this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
