thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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