About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
