I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
