I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
