My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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