He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
