ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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