Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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