Apparently you make a good broom.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
ttyl tear gas
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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