i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
