Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
