i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
