She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
