Only a mothe r could love this liver
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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