My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
