my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
