I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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