I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
