I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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