My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
