The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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