I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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