if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
