she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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