My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
