i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
