Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
