I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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