He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
