I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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