now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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