ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
