I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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